I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
