I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
