The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize