I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
