if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
