I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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