Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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