I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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