I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
