Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All the doctor said was why
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
