I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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