3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
