My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
