I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish you could order shots online.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
