my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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