you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He passed out mid-signature
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
