Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
