Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
