i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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