I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
