OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
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