Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize