At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
