Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
