Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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