so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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