upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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