saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
