fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
