PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize