she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
