My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
