Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
