My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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