He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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