you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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