I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I need to calm my uterus...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
