Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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