remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize