Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize