jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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