I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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