at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
