She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
