Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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