Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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