So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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