Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize