She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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