my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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