No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
