Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
