I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
