she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
