paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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