I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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