I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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