It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize