I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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