I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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