i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
