I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
