Farmville is her only friend.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
