i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
