Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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