If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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