you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
